There is a fine line between vulnerability and self pity…at least in my map of the world.
I am independent, courageous, strong, resilient, an Artemian warrior princess…others see these qualities in me.
I am also vulnerable, emotional, feminine and I cry…I have what I perceive to be moments of weakness.
And because I am a strong, independent woman, I fight even harder to hide my vulnerability, lest I be judged by others and I am perceived to be weak or needy in any way!
So in true Artemian style, I figure its time to stop hiding and face up to my ‘vulnerability’! I have shadows, dark and light and all shades of grey (if only!). And my biggest vulnerability at this time of year is that I can feel lonely. There, I have said it, out loud…
Don’t get me wrong. I am very happy in my own company…I love silence and stillness and spaciousness…and I am extremely fortunate to have friends who I know would be there for me, day or night (having soul sisters on 3 continents is definitely a bonus). And yet I still miss the kind of intimacy one can only get from a soul partner.
There are many benefits, of course, to not having a soul partner relationship…there is nobody to leave the toilet seat up (or down), no rows, frustrations and issues around reliability (according to my friends)! And I get to be in control of the TV remote…all the time!
I can also choose the music, have the whole bed to myself and I never have to compromise on my desires!
Yet there are moments when I am aware there is nobody to come home to for a hug, for companionship, for reassurance or to celebrate with when something great happens.
Nobody to be present, in the moment, sharing my space and being there for me…and vice versa, because being in a close relationship means giving as well as receiving.
My intention for choosing to share this particular ‘vulnerability’ now is because I suspect there may be others out there that feel the same way, especially at this time of year, when all the Christmas films suggest that life is full of elves, presents and living happily ever after!
And so by being willing to ‘expose’ my vulnerability, I start the process of transmuting it…and my hope is that this post empowers others to do the same.